There are moments when I experience a deep sense of shame and regret for shit that I've allowed in my life. For feeling as though I've spent so many years living in fear of what other's might think that I was paralyzed by my fear. I had periods of just being so stoned the whole day just so I would not have to think about what a failure I have felt like. Feeling regret for sharing precious young years married to an asshole who treated me as though I never mattered. Having regret.....but not really.......that I didn't have children at a younger age....I don't want my children to view me as old! LOL But if I had children earlier .........I'd be tied to the jerk for years and they would not be the children I have! So really no regret there........I just don't want to be seen as old! LOL Regret that I feel like Ive wasted years of my life! I forgive myself for allowing myself to have any sense of regret for things in my past. My past has contributed to who I am today!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I realize how much of myself I have changed or hid or drown because I was concerned about how others would see me..........being accepted. How much I have lived in fear. Not trying things because I might fail or look bad when I already felt like a misfit. Scars.........I just dont relate to some people's experiences of a "normal" life. WTF is that anyway??? I have so much anger with myself for living in fear and numbing it at times to the point of being an unproductive lump on the couch. But anger at self is stupid and self forgiveness is a necessity! So I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself by what I thought was wanted or acceptable by others. I forgive myself for living in a box ......a hot box to protect myself from the pain of my reality. I forgive myself for allowing myself to not trust myself or allow the true ME to shine through!
I came back to the planet earth this time on a cold February morning in 1965. I was born in Washington state to a musician/music teacher father and a piano teaching social worker mother. I have an older brother whom they adopted in 1962 after being told they could not have children. My mother had endomitriosis and they told her she would not be able to conceive.........so they adopted. Then I was born! LOL I had the normal babyhood with few mishaps... I can't say that really have any memories before 1968. In 1968 my pediatrician decided that something didn't seem right in the way I walked. I waddled like a penguin! My mother brought me back each week so the doctors could watch me walk. After a period of time they took some x-rays and discovered that I had no hip sockets at all..........my femur was along side my hips.....no socket! If they would've known about this right around my birth they could have put me in a cast and that would've corrected the problem. But I was three years of age so the surgeries commenced. I remember...as I said in my video..after checking in hearing the phlebotomist walking down the hallway to draw my blood...clink clink clink went the vials in her tray ...I remember being held down so they could take my blood. .I was terrified of needles for years.....now they dont bother me at all. I also remember being wheeled down a very sterile hallway in a metal crib with a net tied over the top so I could not climb out. I vaguely recall attempting to untie it...lol There were two men in scrubs pushing me down the hallway......I do not remember them talking to me. I remember being terrified and not knowing where they were taking me. The hallways and rooms were a sickly sterile blue green color....this color would then ... FOR YEARS.. make me nausea's to the point of almost vomiting just at the sight! Still NOT my favorite color! LOL I remember the smell of the operating room and worst of all the smell of rubber of the gas mask. That is the most vile smell I can recall! The nurses held me down as the anesthesiologist put the gas mask on my face. I recall hitting someone as they were putting the mask on me during one surgery. I have brief memories of things from the hospital and from being in surgery and right before surgery. I will go into some of those in a different post. Suffice it to say that this period was to be the beginning of a very long road of fear, frustration and hospitalization! Of growth, of strength, of courage, of "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!". CHEERS!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Hello! This will be my blog about the I of Di! My thoughts and realizations about myself. My story of this life thus far. Observations and challenges in self honesty! Please feel free to comment and leave feedback as it assists me greatly to know others perspectives! Ciao for now! Di